Gay Marriage, or “What’s in Your Closet, Bob?” conclusion

The Third and Final Part: In which the Elegant Bastard discusses the importance of Clean Closets!

We sense that there is still one big reason why so many object to Gay marriage, a motive that goes beyond the Word of God or general Ickiness. It likely has to do with craving “Height”. That needs a little explanation, so here it is.

As we all know, the world can be a nasty, brutish, loud and ego-crushing place, especially on week-days. We do what we can to maintain our sense of well-being and overall personal loveliness, but it can be tough, especially when so many seem to be looking down upon us from a greater Height. Look at them all: the wealthy, the well educated, the powerful, the beautiful, the coordinated. They seem measurably better than we are. Taller. They have more Height. We feel that in some important way, we are short.

But there’s more. Each of us has a private inner space. Let’s call it our Closet. Stored away in our Closet are all the insecurities, all the fears, the errors, the worries and the remembered secret crimes of our entire life. It’s a nasty little dark and smelly place and we don’t always have the courage to throw open the door, grab some spirit cleaning ammonia and just get in there and give it a good honest scrubbing. Instead, we try to ignore it. We try to shut it out. And that’s when we say to ourselves, “Damn it, I need to get me some of that there Height!”

There are two ways to acquire the Height that life may have denied. The first is by patting heads. Simply walk about the place patting little people on the head. Most will be children so take along a supply of candies or quarters as you do this. There are a couple of caveats. If your need for Height is constant, this method might become expensive. As well, you should remember never to try to pat the heads of those with more Height than you, as they may pat back hard or demand more than a quarter.

The second and far more popular way to get Height, Bob, is by sneering. This raises the question, “Who gets to sneer?” Predictably, the answer once again is those with Height, the individuals who have amassed wealth or power or beauty or several armed bodyguards. This is logical. Sneering involves looking down, not up, one’s nose.

However, one other kind of person gets to sneer: The Certifiably Virtuous! That’s right, Bob. Blessed are the Proven Pure, for they may sneer at the Unpure. Who cares that you don’t have megabucks, you aren’t Obama, the NBA didn’t even look at you and both your boss and the Beautiful Person down the street snicker every time you walk by. Fight back. Join a large and noisy Certified Virtue Group and you instantly achieve sneering Height simply by association. I sneer, therefore I am. In hating you, I love myself.

Of course there is the little matter of finding someone or something to sneer at and that is where all those Gay folk wanting to marry come into play. By insisting they are Unpure; you declare yourself Pure and you can sneer until Doomsday. Doesn’t that sense of Height feel great? But remember. If the Unpure are later judged to be Pure or even just OK, you will instantly lose Height and you will have to stop sneering. This is a real danger. We all remember what happened when Communism collapsed and now there’s talk of an amnesty for illegal immigrants. Purity standards keep changing, Bob. And it’s hard to find new hates as there’s not a large number of volunteers. Thus, if Gay Marriage is suddenly deemed acceptable, there’s going to be a shortness epidemic of tall proportion!

One other potential long term consequence needs to be kept in mind. If the Certifiably Virtuous Group of choice is some off-shoot of Christianity, it is important to remember that sneering contradicts the biggest Commandment of them all: Love thy neighbour. That’s even more precise than Leviticus, right? It comes from Jesus himself, Bob, and while it’s been a while since I read the Bible, I understand that he has an important role.

I’ll admit that no one has yet reported back from the Great Beyond with information about admission rates. Still, most assume it’s harder to get in to Heaven than to Harvard. That being so, we have to assume that those who use their Certifiably Virtuous Group memberships for sneering purposes are not going to do well come the Big Day. Still, you’re a young guy, Bob. No need to worry – for now.

I’m glad we had this little discussion, Bob.  We seem to have agreed that Ickiness, property values, the need to protect the innocent, a fear of contagious homosexuality, and the Word of God are at best questionable justifications for stopping a large group of mostly quite  nice people from enjoying a fundamental human experience. Further, we have considered the idea that hating others may be a problematic and even risky way of trying to feel better about ourselves.

That more or less brings us to one final suggestion. It might be a lot simpler, and nicer, and even safer if we all forgot about the Gay Marriage issue for a moment, Bob, and concerned ourselves with one far more important question. It’s not an easy one for anyone but it has the advantage of being a question each of us can answer only for ourselves.

So it’s back over to you, “Bob”.

What’s in your Closet?


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